This post has been a while in coming. I am trying to be better at journaling but it is not going so well.
Things have not really changed for me church wise. However, they have changed personality wise. I am feeling kind of lonely... but I realized that I need to act like an adult. I am a good person and I just have to be myself. I don't want to change myself just to have friends. I didn't do anything wrong. AND I didn't join the church for anyone but myself.
I don't have much else to say right now.
Monday, October 12, 2009
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Bride & Groom & Me
So, I am in law school. There are quite a few LDS students- most of whom are married with 50 kids. And there are three single girls (me and two others, obviously). The other two girls are really nice but I don't really know them and so I haven't done much with them. All the other guys I know are great and I have talked with them often. Most of the LDS-law-school-merged stuff is usually all guys and me. I have been invited to "Wives Night Out" but I am not a wife and I don't really know any of the girls except for two of them. And I question whether we would have anything in common. Don't get me wrong, I am a woman and I have a child but other than that, not a whole lot. I have never been married. Heck, I have hardly ever dated anyone for longer than three months. I don't sew (although I do knit, but that's not the same). I don't cook for people every day. I don't keep my house in immaculate shape (I am lucky if I remember to make my bed and put the clothes in the hamper). So where do I fit in? The guys do invite me to JRC meetings and institute and Stake Volleyball and stuff, and honestly, I wouldn't mind going. I have always had a lot of really awesome male friends. But here's where I am worried. . . you know how people talk, right? I don't want anyone thinking that if I choose to shun Wives Night but opt to go to the male-dominated (in attendance only) meetings that people are going to get suspicious of my motivations and think that I am trying to scam on their men. I don't want to be unjustly labeled a homewrecker but I also don't want to be the only single girl in a room of 20 happily married Mormon housewives! EESH! This is my current gripe, but tomorrow's a new day, eh?
Succumbing to temptation....
I feel bad! No, really bad.
I have let myself be swayed by what others think of me! And yes, that affected me but now it has affected a friend.
Before I became a full-fledged investigator, I was "mildly curious". I had talked to a classmate who was Mormon and he was willing to indulge my questions and more. Pretty soon, I was getting pretty regular invites for dinner with him and his wife. I turned him down for probably about four months but he never stopped asking. Then when I got more involved, I did hang out with them. In a way, I guess I could say that they (along with the missionaries) kind of held my hand in getting me baptized and everything. At my baptism, they bought me a beautiful Bible/Book of Mormon as a gift and I felt truly honored. But as "the world" kept eating at me, I kind of started slipping away from the church a little bit and he saw me doing something really bad. He busted me totally "red-handed" having a cigarette with some of my friends from school. I shouldn't have done it but I haven't had one in a long time and it just sounded good (although, it really wasn't). Now if anyone else had seen me smoking, I probably wouldn't have thought twice about it, but since it was him, I felt really bad. And I haven't talked to him about it. Just kind of ignoring the issue because it seems easier to deal with but I feel an immense amount of guilt. I even told the missionaries about it and expressed my feelings but they said he probably wasn't mad but just wanting to help. And I love that about the church. People realize you are human and you mess up but I still feel really badly about it. I guess I just really don't know how to bring it up and right now I am being too stubborn to just come out and apologize because I am worried about what he is thinking of me. And I am sure he told his wife... and she is seriously, like, the nicest person on earth. But what is she thinking of me now? Do they feel like I stabbed them in the back? And herein lies the problem.... I am getting rejected from old friends so I try to hang out with them and I do things that get me rejected (or at least in my mind) by my new Mormon friends. UGH! I am really torn over this and praying that God will help me to resolve my issues.
I have let myself be swayed by what others think of me! And yes, that affected me but now it has affected a friend.
Before I became a full-fledged investigator, I was "mildly curious". I had talked to a classmate who was Mormon and he was willing to indulge my questions and more. Pretty soon, I was getting pretty regular invites for dinner with him and his wife. I turned him down for probably about four months but he never stopped asking. Then when I got more involved, I did hang out with them. In a way, I guess I could say that they (along with the missionaries) kind of held my hand in getting me baptized and everything. At my baptism, they bought me a beautiful Bible/Book of Mormon as a gift and I felt truly honored. But as "the world" kept eating at me, I kind of started slipping away from the church a little bit and he saw me doing something really bad. He busted me totally "red-handed" having a cigarette with some of my friends from school. I shouldn't have done it but I haven't had one in a long time and it just sounded good (although, it really wasn't). Now if anyone else had seen me smoking, I probably wouldn't have thought twice about it, but since it was him, I felt really bad. And I haven't talked to him about it. Just kind of ignoring the issue because it seems easier to deal with but I feel an immense amount of guilt. I even told the missionaries about it and expressed my feelings but they said he probably wasn't mad but just wanting to help. And I love that about the church. People realize you are human and you mess up but I still feel really badly about it. I guess I just really don't know how to bring it up and right now I am being too stubborn to just come out and apologize because I am worried about what he is thinking of me. And I am sure he told his wife... and she is seriously, like, the nicest person on earth. But what is she thinking of me now? Do they feel like I stabbed them in the back? And herein lies the problem.... I am getting rejected from old friends so I try to hang out with them and I do things that get me rejected (or at least in my mind) by my new Mormon friends. UGH! I am really torn over this and praying that God will help me to resolve my issues.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Sheltering myself from curiosity....
When I decided to investigate the Church, I told my family and I told some of my closest friends. Many of them seemed to be surprised and few seemed to be appalled. Not very many were encouraging. That didn't really detract me from my quest because I am and always have been a non-conformist of sorts. Now that I have joined, I have told a few people. Obviously, all the Mormon people I go to school with and their spouses and endless amounts of children know. In fact, many of them were at my baptism (even though I hadn't even met some of them in person). However, I find myself being elusive when my friends and family ask me about it. In fact, I haven't even told my parents that I was baptized. They know I was thinking about it but they were a little reluctant. At first, I found that they were really encouraging of my quest; however, as I got more involved and closer to joining, they seemed to withdraw their support in a way. They encouraged me to take my time. "Go for a year and if you still like it, then go ahead." I ignored their advice and I feel bad about that in a way. I mean, I wanted to do it for myself but I also really wanted their support and approval. I went home to visit them over Labor Day Weekend and my new-found Mormonism was the gigantic pink elephant in the room. A few times my dad would make a comment to me about Mormons. If he had made these comments before I joined, I would have listened and responded, yet now when he was making these comments, I found myself getting on the defensive really quickly. I don't really know why because he did not say anything offensive. I guess I was just worried that they were going to attack my judgment.
And with my non-Mormon friends.... well, that is a whole different story.
A lot of my friends like to drink socially. I never was much of a "drinker", so when I decided to join the Church, it was not an issue for me to just quit (and I don't think I had had a drink in like six months anyway).
About six months ago, I had mentioned to two of my closest friends that I was curious about the church and that I was considering investigating. One of my friends was really supportive. The other, who comes from a Pentecostal background, was not. I wanted to tell them because I wanted them to know; however, I feel like by sharing this information, I created a large divide between us. This is hard for me because I don't feel like I have changed. Yes, I try to live closer to God and be more reverent and prayerful and I read the Bible and the BOM more and I go to church more often.... but, I don't feel like any of these changes would affect an outward friendship. I am still having a hard time with the "Preach the Gospel" doctrine of the church because I don't want to force it down my friends' throats, so that is not an issue. I don't outwardly feel ashamed of my decision; however, I notice that I am being sneaky. Like when we have Institute classes, I am looking around to make sure nobody sees me before I dart into class. I really don't like acting like this! I guess I need to be strong and stick to my convictions and just let people know. Sure, some of them will probably see me really differently but I guess I shouldn't care. My relationship with my friends is not near as important as my relationship with God. I guess I just need to pray on it! :)
And with my non-Mormon friends.... well, that is a whole different story.
A lot of my friends like to drink socially. I never was much of a "drinker", so when I decided to join the Church, it was not an issue for me to just quit (and I don't think I had had a drink in like six months anyway).
About six months ago, I had mentioned to two of my closest friends that I was curious about the church and that I was considering investigating. One of my friends was really supportive. The other, who comes from a Pentecostal background, was not. I wanted to tell them because I wanted them to know; however, I feel like by sharing this information, I created a large divide between us. This is hard for me because I don't feel like I have changed. Yes, I try to live closer to God and be more reverent and prayerful and I read the Bible and the BOM more and I go to church more often.... but, I don't feel like any of these changes would affect an outward friendship. I am still having a hard time with the "Preach the Gospel" doctrine of the church because I don't want to force it down my friends' throats, so that is not an issue. I don't outwardly feel ashamed of my decision; however, I notice that I am being sneaky. Like when we have Institute classes, I am looking around to make sure nobody sees me before I dart into class. I really don't like acting like this! I guess I need to be strong and stick to my convictions and just let people know. Sure, some of them will probably see me really differently but I guess I shouldn't care. My relationship with my friends is not near as important as my relationship with God. I guess I just need to pray on it! :)
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
My first "Mormon-themed" posting (Eternal marriage)
I put this post on the website ldsmingle.com. I took advantage of the seven day free trial and, alas no luck! :) Although, in all honesty, I don't really believe that right now is the right time for me to be jumping the gun, as far as marriage is concerned. Nevertheless, I still feel like the things I had to say were valid.
Not really sure if anyone is going to read this blog or not, but I am really bad at keeping a journal, so I figured this might be a good way to adhere to that! If you read, enjoy and feel free to comment.
Here is the post:
Title: "So I am kind of surprised.... (long post)"
Posted: August 2, 2009, 10:03 pm
First off, please forgive my diatribe. I tend to rant and rave but at least you are reading it instead of hearing it, right?
I am really new to the Church. Never gave much thought to actually settling down, period, nor did I ever assign a spiritual significance to marriage until I started learning the message of the Church... but...
(And just realize that this next part is written with slight sarcasm but you cannot really convey that through text... so hope no one gets offended)
One thing I did "know" about "all Mormons" before I joined the church was that all the girls got married when they were like 19 or 20 and they wanted to marry missionaries (who were roughly 21 or 22). I had a few single Mormon female friends but I figured that they were kind of exceptions to the general rule. I accepted this as an absolute truth (which I now know is silly). Another thing that I "knew" about all single Mormon women who didn't get married by the age of 22 was that the Church considered them to be "Old Maids" and they were relegated to a lower service status within the church. And I also knew that women couldn't make the moves but had to wait for a man to choose them and invite them to marry. Where I got these ideas, I really don't know.
Anyways, so I was learning the Gospel and as I was considering joining, I just kind of reconciled myself to the fact that as a 27-year-old woman, I was probably destined for a life of being single. Then I went to a Gospel Principles class and they talked about the "prerequisites" for exaltation and there was celestial marriage. And, oh boy, did that kind of just push my buttons. I thought of my single Mormon friends who are the epitome of perfect Church members, and I though, "How unfair, that they shall be punished for remaining single." And I thought about myself. All of those guys that I dated that were ok, but just not right for me... and if I can be a tad narcissistic, not worthy of what I have to offer (and believe me, that might sound snooty but I have dated some real "winners"). Anyways, I just was thinking that maybe I missed my window of opportunity. And before I had been going to the church, I never was really worried about the fact that I was single at age 27. I justified it by citing to some of my friends' relationships, which had failed and "they" were 27 and divorced. Didn't that make it better that I hadn't acted rashly? Probably not, but it helped me cope with my single status. But now, I can't receive the full exaltation to the celestial kingdom without being married??? Ugh, I couldn't win, right? But luckily, I emailed one of my single Mormon friends (referenced above) to ask how she dealt with it in her mind. And she gave me a very good answer which helped to appease my mind on the subject. I also had some very good conversations with the missionaries and prayed over it and studied the Gospel and the teachings of the Church.
So, anyways, back to the subject of this post...
What has surprised me is how many single (as in never been married) people there are on [ldsmingle.com]. And some of them (well the guys anyway) are very physically attractive, have some substance on their profile (and quite a few of you have proper spelling, punctuation and grammar too!!)and are in their late 20's to late 30's. And I am assuming that these are members are not adult converts, as they typically have mission service listed on their profile.
So, going back to those "truths" that I learned before I ever even knew anything about the Church...
Why have some of you waited?
Are you waiting for the perfect person?
Are you waiting for love at first sight or that "butterflies in the stomach feeling" (which can also be nausea)?
If there are so many of us here yearning for a spouse, why are so few connections being made?
Are we all just seeking this ideal that we can never attain?
I know that I have a very specific picture in my mind's eye of what I would like my future mate to be, but I don't know if I have found him yet. So maybe I have just been seeking in vain because maybe my "dream man" doesn't exist? I don't know, but this is just something that has been on my mind lately and just had to put it out there. Sorry again for the long post but I look forward to any and all responses!
J.C.
Not really sure if anyone is going to read this blog or not, but I am really bad at keeping a journal, so I figured this might be a good way to adhere to that! If you read, enjoy and feel free to comment.
Here is the post:
Title: "So I am kind of surprised.... (long post)"
Posted: August 2, 2009, 10:03 pm
First off, please forgive my diatribe. I tend to rant and rave but at least you are reading it instead of hearing it, right?
I am really new to the Church. Never gave much thought to actually settling down, period, nor did I ever assign a spiritual significance to marriage until I started learning the message of the Church... but...
(And just realize that this next part is written with slight sarcasm but you cannot really convey that through text... so hope no one gets offended)
One thing I did "know" about "all Mormons" before I joined the church was that all the girls got married when they were like 19 or 20 and they wanted to marry missionaries (who were roughly 21 or 22). I had a few single Mormon female friends but I figured that they were kind of exceptions to the general rule. I accepted this as an absolute truth (which I now know is silly). Another thing that I "knew" about all single Mormon women who didn't get married by the age of 22 was that the Church considered them to be "Old Maids" and they were relegated to a lower service status within the church. And I also knew that women couldn't make the moves but had to wait for a man to choose them and invite them to marry. Where I got these ideas, I really don't know.
Anyways, so I was learning the Gospel and as I was considering joining, I just kind of reconciled myself to the fact that as a 27-year-old woman, I was probably destined for a life of being single. Then I went to a Gospel Principles class and they talked about the "prerequisites" for exaltation and there was celestial marriage. And, oh boy, did that kind of just push my buttons. I thought of my single Mormon friends who are the epitome of perfect Church members, and I though, "How unfair, that they shall be punished for remaining single." And I thought about myself. All of those guys that I dated that were ok, but just not right for me... and if I can be a tad narcissistic, not worthy of what I have to offer (and believe me, that might sound snooty but I have dated some real "winners"). Anyways, I just was thinking that maybe I missed my window of opportunity. And before I had been going to the church, I never was really worried about the fact that I was single at age 27. I justified it by citing to some of my friends' relationships, which had failed and "they" were 27 and divorced. Didn't that make it better that I hadn't acted rashly? Probably not, but it helped me cope with my single status. But now, I can't receive the full exaltation to the celestial kingdom without being married??? Ugh, I couldn't win, right? But luckily, I emailed one of my single Mormon friends (referenced above) to ask how she dealt with it in her mind. And she gave me a very good answer which helped to appease my mind on the subject. I also had some very good conversations with the missionaries and prayed over it and studied the Gospel and the teachings of the Church.
So, anyways, back to the subject of this post...
What has surprised me is how many single (as in never been married) people there are on [ldsmingle.com]. And some of them (well the guys anyway) are very physically attractive, have some substance on their profile (and quite a few of you have proper spelling, punctuation and grammar too!!)and are in their late 20's to late 30's. And I am assuming that these are members are not adult converts, as they typically have mission service listed on their profile.
So, going back to those "truths" that I learned before I ever even knew anything about the Church...
Why have some of you waited?
Are you waiting for the perfect person?
Are you waiting for love at first sight or that "butterflies in the stomach feeling" (which can also be nausea)?
If there are so many of us here yearning for a spouse, why are so few connections being made?
Are we all just seeking this ideal that we can never attain?
I know that I have a very specific picture in my mind's eye of what I would like my future mate to be, but I don't know if I have found him yet. So maybe I have just been seeking in vain because maybe my "dream man" doesn't exist? I don't know, but this is just something that has been on my mind lately and just had to put it out there. Sorry again for the long post but I look forward to any and all responses!
J.C.
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